


sunlight turns me to dust! (no, really)

by eating_custardinbed



Series: The Internet Made Me Write It [13]
Category: IT Crowd
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Vampire, Crack, Cute, Fluff, Fluffy, Funny, GiveRichmondLove2021, M/M, Non-Binary Richmond, One Shot, Richmond-centric, Short, Short & Sweet, Short One Shot, i know i put moss/roy in the relationship tag but they're honestly just background, jen is protective too, join me my dudes, kind of, let's give richmond some love!!!, the boys are actually really protective over richmond, vaguely crackish, yes Richmond is a vampire in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:54:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28435710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eating_custardinbed/pseuds/eating_custardinbed
Summary: according to the boys, richmond is a vampire. jen doesn't believe them
Relationships: Maurice Moss/Roy Trenneman
Series: The Internet Made Me Write It [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1990789
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	sunlight turns me to dust! (no, really)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [what_on_io](https://archiveofourown.org/users/what_on_io/gifts).



> thankyou to the wonderful @what-on-io for this request!! i do have to say i had to stretch my imagination for this, but i hope you enjoy it!!!!
> 
> (also this is the 200th fic in the fandom tag!!!!)

When Deynholm first told them, Moss and Roy didn't believe him. 

It was the first time they'd seen their unflappable boss look nervous. Mr Reynholm himself was stood in front of them, wringing his hands. Stood to the side of him was someone neither of the IT men recognised. They had skin as pale as paper, so pale that it seemed to them like it _must_ be makeup, dark hair that hung down to the bottom of their cheekbones, and they stood a little awkwardly to the side of Deynholm. Roy shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried to process what Mr Reynholm had just told them. Moss was busy scruntising the person to the side of the boss. 

"I'm sorry," Roy eventually said, breaking the long silence. He shook his head, glancing down at his desk before looking back up at Deynholm with a disbelieving look on his face. "I... I may have misheard you, but did you just say that Richmond--is it Richmond?--here is a _vampire_?" 

"You heard me correctly," Deynholm said. He cleared his throat, adjusting his suit. 

"A _vampire_?" Moss repeated. Deynholm nodded. 

"You won't have to do anything," he said assertively. "Richmond will be humanely fed. All I ask is that you ensure they do not leave their room." 

"Oh, great, I was worried we were gonna be used as feeding stock," Roy muttered under his breath sarcastically. 

"So, how long have you been a vampire?" Moss asked. His tone was very serious as he leaned forward. When Roy realised what his best friend was doing he couldn't help but snort with laughter, ducking his head down. 

"About a month or so," Richmond said. Their voice was strange, almost hollow. "It's not that bad, once you get used to it." 

Moss nodded. Roy tried to get control over himself. Deynholm made a small noise, nodding at all three of them. 

"I ask that you take this very seriously," he said a little threateningly. Roy looked up at that, as did Moss. "I..." 

He didn't finish his sentence, instead simply shaking his head before turning on his heel and walking out of the room. Roy watched him go with a shrug, and then turned to Richmond. 

"Alright mate?" he said, trying far too hard to be casual. It was Moss' turn to giggle now. Richmond paused, looking between them. 

"You two should have sex," he said before walking forward and disappearing behind the Red Door. 

All of a sudden, Roy's computer screen was covered in the coffee he'd just taken a sip of. 

***

Two years went by with no hitches. Sometimes Moss and Roy would hear strange noises coming from behind the Red Door, but had quickly learned to tune them down or drown them out with loud music. And yes, they had taken Richmond's advice and were very happy, thank you very much. 

And then Jen had arrived. 

Jen was... an enigma. That was one word for it, anyway. Some may have called her a "nosy git" (Roy), but others (Moss) just saw it as charming curiosity. One thing the two of them were in firm agreement about, however, was that she was _not_ to go near Richmond's room. Lord knows how they'd handle meeting a new person, especially if she went in when neither of them were there to police what was going on. 

Then Roy had got stuck upstairs, Moss had gone up to investigate and Jen had opened the Red Door. 

When Jen had told him, Roy's first heart-clenching thought was that Richmond had harmed Moss in some way. Instantly he felt awful because whilst Richmond _looked_ meancing enough, unless they were hungry (and even then they had to be starving) they wouldn't hurt a fly. 

"Why did you open the Red Door, I said _don't_ open the Red Door, it was the only thing that I asked you!" he exclaimed as his thoughts shifted to Richmond's wellbeing. Oh God, what if they accidentally got exposed to sunlight? One stray ray and _poof_ , they were dust. Literally. 

"What have you got against him?" Jen asked. Roy winced. 

"Them," he corrected quickly. Then he stammered a little, glancing down at his shoes for a moment. "I just don't like them." 

Jen scoffed a little. 

"God, you're just like the rest of them," she said, sounding a little disgusted. "Who turned their back on hi-- _them_ as soon as they became a goth." 

Roy made an awkward face. Shifting in his spot, he looked over to the side. Goth. Hah! Richmond was so goth that they out-gothed all other goths. They were some sort of super-goth. After all, what's more goth than being an _actual_ vampire? 

As soon as Jen was distracted, he turned on his heel and sprinted downstairs. 

No, Moss was fine, thank God. Well, physically fine, at least. You see, part of the vampire powers (as Roy guessed it) meant that Richmond seemed to... drag the mood down. Moss in particular seemed very vulnerabe to this. Roy was instinctively protective of his boyfriend, and so did his best to constantly keep both Moss and Richmond safe. Honestly, it was exhausting being such a good person sometimes. 

He stood at the door for a moment, listening in. Moss was saying some pretty horrible stuff, stuff that could easily warrant a visit to a therapist's office and that broke Roy's heart. He knew it would be cuddles and ice cream tonight, and Roy constantly telling his boyfriend that he loved him. Finally he could take no more, and jumped into the room. 

"Richmond!" he shouted in his most terrifying voice. Richmond made a shocked sound, dramatically jumping backwards. He pointed to the vampire. "Get back to your room!" 

"Why?" Richmond asked as they pouted a little. 

"You're bringing everyone down!" Roy said.

"No I'm not."

"Yes he is!" Moss cut in before going back to pouting and feeling sorry for himself. 

Roy reached over, grabbing the brush from the side of the room. He brandished it at Richmond. He hated doing this, but it was for the vampire's own sake. Of course, Richmond went straight into defensive mode. They bared their fangs, hissing at Roy. The Irishman did his best not to flinch, holding eye contact with the vampire. Every forum he'd read online had told him that was the best way. Richmond didn't back down, flashing their fangs again. 

Then Jen shrieked from the door of the office, and the fangs disappeared. 

There was a long, awkward silence, like everybody had frozen in place. Eventually Roy lowered the broom (mainly because his arms were starting to hurt) and moved over to sit by his boyfriend, slipping his arms around his shoulders. He thought it best to let Richmond deal with this. After another minute or so, Richmond raised their head and flashed Jen an awkward (fangless) smile. 

"May I come in?" they said a little cheekily. 

Jen fainted right back onto the floor. 

**Author's Note:**

> thankyou so much for reading!!! please leave comments and/or kudos if you can, they make me so happy!!!
> 
> stay safe and happy, y'all xx


End file.
